It starts with a day.
I decided today that I would put in place a personal test for myself to prep for the rest of this year and the end of my twenties. Dun. Dun. DUN! No, but really. The older I get the less I enjoy the term “New Year’s Resolution” as a way to usher in another year. In some way it has just become an annoying cliche that no one actually sticks to. Plus, I didn’t really start the year with a resolution anyway. My life literally decided to implode once January hit. So, I’m giving myself a pass. Let’s just say this time I’ll call it a New Year’s Journey. Because Lord knows it will be. January has been a trial month for sure. Regardless of the specification in time, I want to evolve as a person more than anything else. Which in itself will be much more than just a resolution that comes in strong on the 1st and dies by the 31st.
In deciding what I could actually do to kick start this journey, I knew I had to take the time to list those things. You see, I am a list person. I like to look at things as a reminder of what I should be doing and what I’m not doing in my 24-hour day. Plus my memory is in shambles from years of anxiety and stress, so writing things down is my go to for basic survival at this point. Having something tangible to look at can also be helpful. So sticky notes, lists and a good planner are going to be my best friends this year. With these tools, I’ll be able to see my day by day improvement. Statistically they say it takes about 30 days to make something a habit. So here is where it starts… with speaking it. My goal is to promise myself love, compassion, travel and an infinite amount of care in everything that I do this year. Things I’ve denied myself on so many occasions. I also want to remind myself daily that where I am now is only temporary. Better things are always to come. This will serve as a good foundation for the journey ahead.
For me, 2017 had both great steps forward and quite a few steps back. And let’s not forget the few side steps in between. The steps forward have included growth at work, trying things that were normally unthinkable for my OCD controlled world, adjusting to my life in California and learning my strength while technically being alone. The steps back included time wasted, fear, a harsh break up and lots of tears for someone who turned out to be a monster to me. Though, depending on who you ask, the break up was actually a step in the right direction. Unfortunately my heart didn’t feel that way at the time. But that’s a whole different post (that you can also read in my stories hint hint). Anyway, it’s the side steps that have been the most unbearable to me. Those are the steps that hold us hostage. You see, steps forward provide us with a sense of accomplishment and joy. We get that extra push of motivation to keep going once we reach some kind of goal or achievement. There’s nothing like that feeling and it makes us more willing to go on to the next. And well, steps backward teach us harsh lessons in plenty of things we once ignored. It’s a quick way to attain knowledge. Nothing teaches quite like pain or failure. Always a lesson in those tragic stumbles. Sometimes there’s a different type of strength that can only be triggered once you’ve been broken. Simply because it takes all you’ve got to repair. And that’s totally okay. But those pesky side steps? Just seems like they keep us stagnant. Never quite going anywhere, avoiding some pitfalls along the way, but ultimately staying right where you are. Sometimes, those steps get me down more than the steps backward.
My struggle for the past couple of years has been feeling like I’m stuck. In doing this little side shuffle crap, I’ve gotten comfortable in a bubble. This bubble has made me too afraid to step out and explore new opportunities, which really means I’ve missed out on so much life. So 2018 has to be different, meaning I HAVE to be that change. No more side stepping this year. Unless I’m hitting a new dance.
Don’ t laugh at me. I’m a cornball for real. :-)
I started out so discouraged this year because of all the external madness. But I’m making the conscious effort to break that chain. I know so many things that I need to continue to push in myself in order to elevate my life. In addition to the overall evolution into self care I’d like to just clean it up a little. One toxic relationship is out and I want to clear any others as soon as possible, I want to give up hard liquor at least for the year, eventually all pork and lesson my use of profanity. All of these things are going to be crazy difficult for me because 1)I have this bad habit of wanting to “fix” people even when they are ruining me, 2) I love a good whiskey, 3)Bacon is my kryptonite and 3) Fuck is one of my favorite words in the history of words. But I think it’s time. I’ve overindulged in all of those things for so long and I’ve had my fun and all the experience I need with it to date. Plus there’s something to be said about myself if I can complete the things I set out to do. And I really want to surprise me this year. I also want to promise myself a two-book minimum each month and at least one post here a month. I was an avid reader and writer for years. But losing that opened the door to completely losing myself and my passion. When I stopped reading in a high capacity, I noticed my decline in writing shortly after. And this will no longer do. God gave me a gift and I intend to use it. Rather it benefits only me or helps others, it makes me happy. And that in itself is enough.
It didn’t take me long to recognize the things I could do to better my mood and shift this negative cloud that has been hovering over me. I feel like deep down we always know what we should be doing. God had already given me all the tools and all the answers so long ago, but in true stubborn fashion I followed my own path thinking I knew it all. Well guess what? I freaking didn’t and my life reflected that ALL LAST YEAR. I’m learning, God. Trust me I am. So lastly and most importantly, my goal is to repair the relationship I have with Him. I referenced this need in my very first post here on Medium and it’s still a process coming full circle. But there is so much growth in the process and that is exciting. Tough, but exciting. Everything I am is because God brought me to it and the fact that I have the strength to self analyze in order to find what is designed for me is a blessing. Which requires so much more faith and gratitude on my end to my Father. I know that with the faith required by Him, all of my other goals will manifest and those blessings will flow. God got me. But I must first trust in Him. So February, here’s to you! Fresh start, Faith and Fulfillment through God all year. And I wish the same for anyone who reads this. Forget about the struggles of January and tun your back to 2017 completely. Let the 2018 flourishing begin!!
