Rejection sucks. In any form. But it is a particular brand of shitty when the rejection is of you. Not a possession or inanimate object connected to you. But YOU. Something about you as a person is specifically rejected. That is absolute trash. And recently I took a major L. I think women tend to shy away from admitting such rejection. It’s not something we’re used to often. Men are normally the ones who approach or “shoot their shot” more on average. So we kind of sit back and let it come our way. Personally, I’ve always been a bit shy so I almost never do the approaching. Recently I’ve been able to do it in a flirty way, but never on something serious.
So finally, I decided to have a go at it for real… and failed miserably. NEVER AGAIN! Kudos to you folks who do it so often. It really is Russian roulette out here. In light of my failure, my first thought was to just withdraw within myself and never mention such things ever again. Usually I would find some really fun things to get into and spend a few extra minutes in the mirror to remind myself that I’m a baddie or whatever the kids use these days. But I’m really trying to break that habit. Validation through any outside source is super overrated. And honestly, after all that is done you just end up at home still having to deal with your bottled up shit. I don’t like admitting embarrassment. But I figure sometimes you just have to be transparent. And I started writing here to do just that. So I won’t ever lie to you folks or myself through these words. Plus I always enjoy a good vent session. So I decided to be open and share the story about my recently bruised ego. And we all know how that can get. I guess I’ll start here…
I’ve never considered myself anything less than a treat personality wise. And that is not to sound conceited or anything of the sort. That is simply fact. While I am not everyone’s cup of tea and we may not become instant BFF’s, I respect others, can carry great conversation and most people don’t dislike me after actually getting to know me. I’m a Cancer in every sense of the word. Motherly. Emotional. Nurturing. Loyal. A little judgmental, but only because I always see the potential to be better in every person I connect with. So I guess you can say I am used to certain things when I interact with others. Don’t get me wrong though, I can be a handful with a lot of mouth and a bunch of opinions. But I go hard for people and I really open my heart when I let my guard down. And most people are okay with that. Most people actually vibe a lot with that. Part of that I can attribute to good upbringing, but the other part definitely stems from going through a real ugly stage. That will humble the fuck out of anyone. And it definitely helped my focus on personality. But I digress…
About a week ago I had a moment where my ego hit a wall. A super awkward wall. As some of you may know (if you read anything from me), I went through a really bad break up this past year and I truly didn’t think I had it in me to connect with anyone. Ever. But I decided to date and just fill my time with the likes of the opposite sex. Mainly to meet new people in Cali, but also to just have fun out here since I lacked that for a long time while being tied down. That definitely didn’t work. Mainly because I truly don’t have the patience to date multiple people and deal with that whole carousel. Also, men are douchebags. Tried it, hated it. So, I went right back into my square and decided to date more selectively and only continue something if I felt it had potential. Also risky and annoying because… feelings. Which brings us to this…
It’s a gift and a curse to be an emotionally singular person. I have always been that way. I can date and all that stuff but once I connect with one person on what my mind perceives as a deeper level, it basically phases out whoever else is in the picture. And that’s exactly what happened. Unfortunately for me, I jumped the gun on thinking that connection was shared. When it came time for me to actually open up and be vulnerable with dude, everything kind of went left. And not left to the point where I think differently about him, he’s still a cool person. But definitely enough to where I had to hide my hurt and tuck my crazy. I’ve never heard “I haven’t developed emotional feelings” so many times in one conversation. It was a bit surreal. Like, I almost kept waiting for there to be a “yet” at the end. But that never came. It was a solid period. Embarrassing. Why you ask? Because here I was open to possibly developing feelings like the bleeding heart that I am. And he was just going with the flow. But I did respect his honesty. Most guys probably would have just told me what I wanted to hear and used me for whatever they could. My ego though? Nah, my ego said screw that. She was super hurt and angry. That little voice was yelling in my head the whole time like,
“Oh, so you’re just going to come out of nowhere making us like you when we were minding our business? With your great taste in music and admirable career? Spending time with us and making us feel butterflies and whatnot? When you didn’t really want all this love and affection? Really, man?”
Yes, my ego was fuming. But I kept her bottled, held it together and took my L like a gentlewoman. But on the real, I kind of pride myself on my ability to connect with people. And not just romantically. Most dudes genuinely do end up liking me. So to hear that, I took a few shots to the chest. And of course me being me, I got to thinking… and overthinking.
Again, let me state for the record, I am not conceited. Pero like… how did dude not catch this vibe with me? Here I am riding the wave, thinking there is actual potential and genuinely enjoying the time we spent while he was not on the same page even though it came off that he was. Granted, he tried to clean it up as much as possible. But the damage was done. All I heard at that point was friend level, not at all what I was on. I’m 30 and I find comfort in knowing a man I’m spending extensive time with actually shares my interest in settling down eventually. All that hook up crap is really boring to me now. I don’t think that is unrealistic. And I don’t plan on playing the waiting game to see if those feelings change either. His words were crystal clear. But being rejected in any capacity is a lot to process. I honestly saw potential and would have liked to see where it could have went. But that requires two willing parties and someone hitting me with the no emotional attachment lingo for sure is my cue to disconnect. I deserve someone who quite literally can’t wait for all this loving I’m ready to give.
I wanted to blame him and be mad. But being real with myself, he was honest. And that’s the first thing I always ask. Granted he could’ve not been so charming, which makes it real easy to be misled. And I would have preferred that he told me that he didn’t feel the same vibe from jump. I will fault him for that because I didn’t hide my true intentions. But I can’t deny that this small moment of embarrassment did remind me why romanticizing anything is dangerous. We don’t live in a movie and everyone you are into won’t be into you. At least not in the same way. It also reminded me of how others may feel. I’ve definitely friend-zoned and not always in the direct way that he did. So it kind of taught me to be a little more conscious of that too. Direct is better even if it stings a little. I honestly had a lot of like for the kid, but I also don’t want to ruin a possible friendship by being all in my feels.
With that being said though, your feelings always have to come first. So anyone going through any type of rejection, it’s okay to figure out if you can be just friends. Don’t settle for what isn’t pleasing to you no matter what the other person wants. And I have to figure that out for myself right now. But it’s my responsibility to do so, not his. And THAT my friends… is growth. I can only appreciate his honesty this early on in the game, even if my ego wants to throw a brick through his window.
