I think God stopped talking to me a long time ago. And not in a sense where I don’t know he’s there. Because there is no doubt in my mind that he is. But more like my own foolish decisions caused that direct line to the man (or woman or one in the same) upstairs to slowly disconnect. And believe me, I feel every moment of it. Being that disconnected is undeniably stressful. I personally have always needed God to speak life into me when all this worldly nonsense gets overwhelming. Rather you believe in the same one as me or not, believing in something higher than this can sometimes make all the difference.
*Looks around at whatever “this” is supposed to be.*
Just believing can form a bond that gets you through all those depressed days. A bond that for me became noticeably absent. And it got easier for me to blame everything else except my own arrogance in thinking I could go on my merry way without it. Especially when there were so many distractions and people telling me different. I just stopped listening. In doing that, God stopped speaking. At least in the direct way I was used to. And before I knew it… domino effect.
At first it was quite subtle. I would have a few moments of anxiety a bit more often. Or I’d notice extra mishaps happening in my day to day that really made me stop and wonder. As a child and teen, I really had a strong connection with God. It seriously felt like he was speaking to me. And no, not like I heard a voice or anything. God wasn’t hitting my line and chatting with me like the homie. But I would instantly pick up on a vibe and know something or someone was not meant for me. Somewhere down the road I lost that ability and really started to pursue things without first catching that “vibe” per say. I tried to shrug it off as typical growing pains that I had to experience in adulthood. But in reality, the events that continued to unfold were really just extensions of where I was mentally. Where God had previously guided my steps, I was now fumbling along on my own accord.
This especially became apparent a little before my decision to leave Michigan. It was like every single thing I did yielded unpleasant results. Everything I touched transformed from desirable to shit. School, work, my relationship. Basically everything within a few feet of me crashed and burned. I chased after so many things that all ended up failing, being unfulfilling once I actually got it or the cause of an unbelievable amount of stress and aggravation. Then the depression really hit. I found it difficult to function on normal levels. Getting out of bed was a tedious task. Working was robotic. My mood was like a land mine. Yet I remained stoic. Because I no longer cared for people or trusted their regard for my feelings. Plus I genuinely had no answers. I just was. How do you explain to someone that you are mentally checked out and don’t know why? I could go on with the wrongs, but you get the point. I previously believed that this was only happening as a sign from God to leave Michigan and take the next step in my life. I felt he was creating chaos to provoke a change. And while this may still be partially true, I found myself still feeling the same way even in this beautiful, consistently beachy state. Regardless of what I told other people.
While Cali has been a pleasant change for me in scenery, I never took the time to repair my lost connection with God. So everything out here kind of began following the same path as before. My head was still a cluttered mess. I was still letting the same situations follow me around my dream state, like I hadn’t tried to leave them back home. Granted, I was naive to think I could just pack up and escape everything. And I was still in my own unorganized steps, not listening to any of the signs God was basically chucking at me at this point. So what kind of outcome could I really expect, right? As an adult just trying to make it, there really is no shortcut with this shit. It has taken a lot of face planting to knock sense into this thick skull of mine. Like, a lot of fumbling in the dark while looking for a light switch happening still as I type this. But I can honestly say I am becoming a lot more active in protecting my bond. I’ve spent some time now weeding out negative things/people and making the sometimes painful steps in changing myself. Because truth be told, that whole saying old folks tell you about attracting more bees with honey is legit. And my depressed self had no business bringing that energy to the table. God straight cleared my schedule for greatness and hasn’t placed an appointment there since because I’m still not ready. But I am a work in progress. And faith is included in that work.
Of course I’m not here to preach to anyone about what will work for their life. I can only speak on mine. And even that little bit of self reflection is so necessary. But I just wanted to share that it doesn’t hurt to protect your bond with whoever or whatever brings you the peace needed to survive here on this earth. And with so much going on in the world, we all need that. Within reason of course. So it’s God for me, might be something else for you. Either way, reflect for a little bit and figure out what it is that connects you. Even in writing this I’ve found some form of reassurance that God is still with me, checking in & dropping a bit of peace over me. Much better than any “hey stranger” text I’ve ever received.